#5. Don't be committed to the outcome

I heard an interview with Butler's granddaughter on NPR this morning (Butler being the billionaire who is donating billions to the Gates Foundation). She is a 30-yr-old artist living in New York (rather cliche if you ask me - the offspring of very wealthy people tend to be creatives. I think its due to the fact that they can afford to be).
The interviewer asked how she felt about the majority of her grandfather's riches going to charity. She was pleased (albeit she admitted there were times in her life she really just wanted the windfalls of fortune to be passed on down to her). Good answers all around.
She said that her grandfather was fulfilling her grandmother's wishes and that she would be very happy with his decision. She then went on to quote 5 of her grandmother's favorite sayings. Number 5 stuck with me. What amazingly poignant words of wisdom for me these days. I wish I had heard this repeated to me over and over and over again as a kid - maybe I wouldn't be the nutcase I am today. The one who panics in adverse situations (I might need to explain that one a wee bit better: I am a ROCK when really bad times sweep through. If really horrible things happen, like say the family car got washed away in a flood... I'm A-OK. But the thought of it possibly happening beforehand, sends me spiraling. And small situations like mis-placing the keys.... makes me borderline insane. I'll climb walls freaking out. Yes, none of this makes any sense, I'm aware). The one who loses their sense of reality when life throws a wrench in the works and ultimately messes with my life plan. Life plan: Get married by 27, buy a house, start with kids by 30, have 2 kids total and travel to Europe again before I am 40. What a ridiculous schedule I created. I didn't take anything into account like, oh say, finances - biology - jobs - etc. I just created this plan that seemed very simple and straight forward (and I thought rather open-ended with the "start having kids by 30". Like that comment gave me some room to breathe in the years leading up to it). But here I am having absolute melt-downs that if we don't have kids - then what of my plan? Cause, I really do picture Peter coming home for an excellent cup of Maxwell House early Christmas morning someday (but I'd probably not name my son Peter). I am, and have been, committed to the outcome. HOW can I not do this anymore? Its easier said then done for me. I think its easier said then done for many people... that's how cliches like, "You'll find someone when you aren't looking," came so popular. Many people panic about the outcome (phew, strength in numbers Brooke, you are not alone). Still, the feeling that I have right now - the frenzied crazies - makes me very tired. Thinking all the time makes me feel as though I have run a marathon. I really need to get control and try my best to enjoy TODAY and forget tomorrow... whatever it may be. Cause in reality, there is never a picture perfect outcome.
* Congratulations to L. She's pregnant.

month 29

I know you had a baby and, yes, it was a big event. Big like all those big events that happen for the first time.
"I am 19 weeks pregnant."
"Its our one month dating anniversary."
"We've been married for 6 months but have been together for 8 years."
All these systems of measurements are cute and wonderful and really mark how happy one is. People do not gush like this over things that have become, for lack of a better word, old.
My current age, "I'm 230 (and a half) months old next week!"
On the third baby, "I'm in my 2nd tri-mester."
On my marriage, "It will be 3 years this fall."
I'm not TRYING to be cynical but sometimes when you are in a foul mood about a particular subject - this cutsiness drives me mad. And, its not like I don't understand. I get it. I overall appreciate the happiness you are experiencing. Its great. But sometimes is grate. As in, GRATING, when I read blogs about one's 29 month old who is, not only marked in age by months still but also referred to as a baby. Its not a baby. Its a freaking toddler. And its 2 (and a half) years old. Some systems of measurement need to begin to gently move away from being small increments and give way to practicality for a reason. The rest of the world simply cannot compute the mathematics needed to calculate your child's age in months, your relationship in weeks or how long you'd been working at a job in days. Round it out for me - help me a little. Cause I'm thinking you need to move to the next stage in life where once the numbers reach a certain point, you begin to round up & help me out.
That's all I'm saying.

What Sarah Said - Death Cab

I seem to absolutely love songs about death. It actually goes back to that song by the Mechanics... the song about his dad dying. And there's the song Bono did for his father. *sigh*, am I sick or are these ballads usually just great tunes? I hope the latter.
Its been 20 days. Shit. Really?
I've been sick. Caught a cold. Its like a machine getting rust... when I don't perform my non-stop daily functions I simply go mad. I'm here (on this earth) purely for the sake of constant motion. What else is there? If I am not talking, moving, cleaning, organizing or fixing - I go wild. And not in a good sense either. I just cannot sit still. I feel like I'm getting bed sores if I lay in bed watching show after show... after show... after... SOMEBODY KILL ME! Rob tells me I need to learn how to relax. He's right, really. I did the mistake of oversharing and telling him more details of how my brain works. He looked at me not like one would look at a lame injured animal struggling to free itself from the confines of something (pity) - no - it was worse. He looked at me like the frantic idiot I truly am. Like someone who is irrational and makes no sense but is fully capable of handling the look from a man that says "you're nuts". I am. Really I am. Where's my medication... I need to start taking that again, I think. I think too damned much is the problem.
I told Rob that I need to complete 5 tasks a day to make the day worthwhile. Its a compulsive thing I guess. I've never actually SAID any of this aloud and it sounds nuts to me now just writing it. I'm almost as batty as those people who need to turn the light switch on & off ten times before leaving the room. I must do at LEAST 5 things a day or the day is worthless... I am worthless. Its actually become even more intense the older I have gotten. Maybe its just that I am sick of this behavior and ultimately stressed out because of it. When you are young and crazy - you at least have lots of energy, a short attention span and lots of distractions to keep you from really "seeing" how crazy you are. The older you get - when people start comparing notes regarding their sanity - you realize, "I'm a fucking quack!".
Need to do 5 things a day. Wanna know what that means? That means, laundry or clean the toilet or pay the bills or dust or vacuum (and it does not generally mean one room - it means everything), scrape paint off a radiator till my arm aches, weed the sidewalk AND cut the overlaying grass with scissors cause we don't own an edger, take out the trash and clean up all the dog poop which tends to lead to weeding or cutting back bushes, and if I am laying in bed sick - cutting out recipe pages from old SIMPLE magazines and reorganizing my recipe cookbook to hold all these new pages. I actually never DO just 5 things, its hundreds all piled atop of one another. A connected string of events one leading to the next and only counted as one. And nothing can be half-assed. Doing the laundy means doing ALL the laundry and any shred of it remaining in the house - I start striping beds and shit. I grab floor rugs and dog towels. I'm just shy of having Rob strip and change so I can wash what he's wearing.
And it all start over the next day....

13 Days

I cannot believe its only been 13 days of my promisary 30-day wait period. I'm reminded of Rob (que the faint, dreamy cascade that leaves me recalling the exact moment in time) where Rob said, "Can you wait 30 days?" and I said, "Yeah!" Like this was a feat easily achieved by me. Me. Known for her patience.
It hasn't even been a full 2 weeks!
I guess I need to realize that I am to relax and ENJOY daily activities while I think about (emphasis:thinking going on in the background. Thinking, not acting Brooke. Not over-analyzing, freaking out, doing online research)... life.

In other exciting news...
Went to Lowe's and selected my dream storm door for the front of the house. Marriage IS exciting!
Spent Sunday at the coffee shop reading the paper cover-to-cover, walking the dogs in the fan, going to see "X-Men 3" and making a huge bountiful dinner. It was a pretty damn near perfect day, I gotta tell you.

Mac Daddy Will Make You ... Jump! Jump! Daddy Mac Will Make You... Jump! Jump! Kris-Kross Will Make You... Jump! Jump!

While the bosses are away - the mice will play. We traded in the store muzak selection from the typical wordless global beat for this "hot-mix" one of my associates chose. My boss would die if he heard our store rocking out to such hits as "Love Shack", "Summertime" by the Fresh Prince and "Jump! Jump!". I'm still in disbelief that my femail cousin, who shall remain nameless to protect her identity, actually wore her pants backwards when Kris-Kross hit the scene. Our bloodline gets pretty watered down between her and I, for those of you wondering.

Lucky Irish S.O.B.
In other exciting news for me to share, I won a $100 Lowes gift card this morning. Who-hoo! And to think - I was planning on going there and SPENDING that much this weekend. I can't wait till I get my card in the mail in the next 10 days.

Huh?

I'm a terrible manager of time. I pick small, quick projects over bigger tasks (I always did the busy work in school but would blow off studying for the finals... or would half-ass write that 10 page paper in one weekend). I'm an anal-retentive organizational, perfectionist who takes on way more than they can handle. I try and juggle 5 activities at once. In the end, I will ultimately end up slowing myself down, not give my full attention to any one project and/or drive myself (and others) batty by the end of it all.

I really don't have much more to say about that.

Family of Five

I'm at work watching a family of 5... 5 kids that is. There looks like a boy about 12, a girl about 9, a boy about 4.5, another boy at 3... and a baby about 6/7 months.
Phew! That's a LOT.
I'm watching this all like a movie.

The 4.5 year old boy crawls up the staircase to my office - curious thing. He's not the first to do this. I say, "hi" and he scampers off. He later gets his younger brother to mimic his EVERY move from running in circles and falling down to hide 'n' seek under the sales associates desk... while she is sitting in it. Baby is thrilled at all of this commotion (I'm assuming, by her bright pink pants, its a girl). She bounces a fat fist up and down while making coo sounds. While hopping in mom's lap, she discovers her feet which quickly makes her refocus onto how fascinating they are to watch flop up and down.

Who has familes like this anymore, my assistant and I ask each other. Five kids? Good Gawd

I am sooo glad we don't have kids - the money, the burden, the craziness, the distractions!

The 4.5 year old boy (who's really ALL boy) runs to the baby... and nuzzles his face into her armpit. She squels and hops with delight.

I think I reaaallly want to have kids....

If I've ever been in a home that needed windows - it is right now

Dreamt last night that one of the bushes we planted this past March (all very healthy and happy in real life) looked fine but crumpled when I touched it. It was the juniper - it looked just fine, but it fell apart like dried out leaves when I brushed against it. What does that mean?

And, while we are all thinking - Why do public toilets have that split in the seat but you never see kind of thing in people's home? Why is that?

We had a "vinyl window replacement" guy over last night. Very nice - great demonstration. I felt like I was in one of those paid TV advertisements. He used props like sun lamps, -60 degrees 'frost in a spray can' and fire (yes, we gave this man matches to play with) to show us how the outdoor elements affect our daily lives through our windows. I think Rob and I were both rather captivated. We became this guy's personal assitants throughout this little play-by-play.
And then you ask - how much for all this? The safety and security of child-proof windows, the screens that actually heal themselves should a dog claw puncture it, the windows that flip open for easy cleaning and the peace of mind! Oh, how much for the peace of mind? Well, we actually couldn't afford all the windows so we dropped off 3 of them... if we signed last night... only $9178. But if we don't act now, its going to go up over $11000 after July 1st.
That's a car loan! Hell, for that much money, I could actually get a decent stove & fridge, install my brick patio, revinyl the kitchen floor, get 2 new ceiling fans, and 3 new lighting fixtures... or just redo the attic for an additional 800sq ft of living space! Hoowy!
Rob and I didn't sign.

Diarrhea of the Brain - day 6

Maybe I am frustrated/angry because I feel like I'm supposed to want to have kids. Maybe I've turned all of this into some sort of challenging game rather than seeing/doing what it is I really want. This would not be the first time I put my own personal interests aside and do what I think I'm supposed to be doing... rather than what I want to be doing. Why the hell am I like that? I seriously attribute that major flaw in my personality due to the pressure I had as an only child with rule-following parents. My dad had every insurance policy ever created, he filled out all those warranty cards, kept every receipt and paid everything on time. Somehow I have become equally automoton in my life. This feeling that, "Well, its Saturday and nice out - I should be doing yardwork today cause I own a house and that's what you are supposed to do when you own a house." What IS that? Yes, I sometimes do feel like doing things like yardwork cause I like to do yardwork, but, goddamn - I'll be vacuuming while running a fever simply to justify why I stayed home from work that day. What IS that? Maybe I'm so confused cause I'm married and have been married for 2.5 years... and married people want kids at this point. Maybe that's why I am so mixed up.

In other news - if one more fucking person calls me "ma'am", I WILL scream. I'm not even 30 yet. Say nothing at all - just say "hello".

Moving forward with clenched teeth...

This classic dream has a number of interpretations. It can literally mean that you are frightened of losing your teeth. It can show the beginning of a new phase of life just as we lose our teeth when we pass from early childhood and head towards adulthood. You may be worried about your self image or the dream may signify unexpressed anxiety. I haven't had this dream in YEARS. Its quite common actually - like going to school naked or falling (both of which I don't recall ever dreaming about). I used to dream that my teeth fell out and I'd put them all back in hoping they'd "reroot" themselves. I once heard this dream had to do with insecurity about self-image... makes sense, I mostly dreamed this in high scool and college when everyone questions themselves & does phase into adulthood. Its interesting to see that it might also have to do with unexpressed anxiety. I dreamed it again last night.

My second-to-last-molar on the bottom leftside of my mouth was loose. I could feel partly under it like you could as a kid when you shoved your tongue under it to pop it off. (Ugh, I HATED losing teeth as a kid. I hate any tooth sensation, I writhe). Itried to squeeze my teeth down harder, clenching them at times hoping to keep it in place. The dream had wierd details including my chewing gum and getting some gum stick under the tooth - I wonder if it would make the tooth rotten or help it stick in place better. It was awful, the whole dream was this sickeing feeling of the tooth getting loser, tasting blood, the tooth twisting around and coming back down in place backwards.

Why don't I ever just rip it out and be done with it all?

Choose Your Own Adventure

Its been four days since we found out we can't have kids. I've been thinking about how I'd begin this blog... blunt seemed best.

Last weekend was great - very busy with my mom in town. Took a day off work, shopped, attended festivals & garden walks, relaxed, drank lots, talked tons... went to work very tired on Monday.

I was supposed to call the doctor regarding Rob's testing. I didn't. He called me after not hearing from me for 2 weeks (it doesn't take that long for them to get results). He called me on my cell phone at work Tuesday (yes, 6/6/06, but I find that worth mentioning only cause its's funny/coincidental. Like, you'd hate to hear out your ARE pregnant on that day only to be thinking you'll be birthing Damien someday). It doesn't matter, really, where our problems lie with having kids. I've had my share of problems (I tend to, ...er, not ovulate. Its great for those of you who hate having visits from Aunt Flo. When you don't ovulate - she doesn't come to town). Rob's had his, ...er, boys tested as a result of me wanting to know more about my situation. We've are both responsile (or not responsible) for our current barren state-of-being.

The last full minute of "O KY" by Archer Prewitt is fantastic.

The five stages of grief are:

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss. Sometimes I think I'm here in this stage. I flop between this and the next stage. I mean, I'm fucking pissed off - this is all so ridiculous. I'm the one who said we'd have kids someday when all our friends were on the fence, "Oh, I dunno. We haven't thought about it. Maybe." I'm the one who's been 'trying' for over a year and have become, at times, nutso about all of this. I think its crap that this huge decision (whether or not to even have kids) is somehow made for us. I asked the doctor if we'd be able to do this on our own (get pregnant). His response: "Most likely not."
I have been choked up when telling my girlfriends about all of this, but no tears yet. I'm like a rock when tragedy strikes. Its messed up, really. Sure, I can have a meltdown when a scratch appears on the floor... but big things, ...eh, *shrug*. Ok, I did cry once - sobbed really. I was freaking elated after shopping at Old Navy Wednesday night and "Just Dance" came on. (I've been a little manic the past few days - I decided to blow money on drinking, smoking, eating out, and shopping. Its a remedy, leave me alone). I had danced with my dad at our wedding to that song. I chose it because it had poignant meaning for me - I thought he needed to listen to the words when battling some depression issues a few years earlier. The timing was just perfect as I drove home.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even. Oh, I'm visiting this stage a LOT. Go back and reread #1.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals or attempting to make deals with God. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back. I told Rob 30 days. We are to talk about WHATEVER and WHENEVER we have a thought regarding all of this for the next 30 days. Terrible things like,"I can't believe these people have kids, or, are having kids. They are/will be no good at parenting". Mean, nasty thoughts that you'd actually never think about if not in this circumstance. Your brain goes wild in moments like this. Seriously, wild. You kind of fight society's restrictions when bad things happen. Society trains us to not have evil thoughts or deliquent behavior or to not pre-judge, etc, etc. But this past week - I have allowed my brain to roam completely free. I have to. I have to let all these thoughts flood my brain - not cause I actually believe a lot of what I'm thinking... but its a type of therapy. A self "free form thought" therapy. So, for those of you who have been wondering why I have been nastier than usual or if you are reading all this in horror - 'sorry' is all I can extend at this moment. But, I've got to let all this flow at the time being. I'm opening up the box of thoughts and pouring them all over the floor before I pass judgement on any particular idea & throw it away.
We haven't begun "bargaining," persay, and I want our 30 days to continue tograpple with the #1 and #2 stages of acceptance before we take on #3. But Rob's already begun throwing out suggestions and possibilites to our situation... and I keep throwing him back to #1 and #2. I'm not ready to solve anything yet. I mean - before we decide to go through all these stages - I have GOT to know what we are trying to work on accepting here. Do we even WANT kids and how badly are we willing to GET them? During this 30 day talk cycle, we may discover that... we are just fine with the way things are. And hell, maybe we bring this topic up again 2 years from now when/if my biological clock really starts ticking. I would think that with a topic like this - your feelings and thoughts change annually. They must... cause who the hell wants kids when they are 23? Not as many as when people who are 33...

Coffee break.
I just checked on my second load of laundry. When I get frustrated - some break things - I clean. I just vacuumed the fuck out of half the house. I actually used 5 attachments and moved things. I cleaned the kitchen trash can with a toothbrush, too. A fucking toothbrush, people.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal. I think I have twinges of this stage (no, I do not think I'll ever feel suicidal over this. That's more for people who experience death). I am definitely bitter. Oh yeah, I am bitter. And I am beginning to lose hopes for the future. I do not want to wake up on Christmas morning, 2023: "Merry Christmas, Rob" as I breathe morning breath on Rob, roll over and go back to sleep. Cause frankly, after 22 alone Christmas's together - what the hell would be the point of getting up to celebrate?
I'm an only child. That means, when my parents die - I have nothing. I have no siblings, so I will never my an aunt to anyone on my side of the family. My parents will never be grandparents, I'll never be a grandparent, and when Rob dies... assuming I haven't drank myself to death, I will be ALONE. How depressing is all of this? Sure, I'll have friends - blah, blah. But, I just don't want to be my creepy 4th grade teather, Ms. Hoates, who died alone with no kids or family. That woman was mean, bitter, and creepy. I don't want to be 40 and my friends' 9-year-olds see me as that woman who never had kids and can't talk to them. Yes, yes - these are all the wrong reasons for having kids. But again, I have 30 days to let the thoughts spew.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Finding the good that can come out of the pain, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. I think I am definitely working toward this stage. I just need to figure out what I'm working on accepting first. Rob cannot get me pregnant. Period. Does that mean its futile? Over? Finished? No. We actually do need to talk to someone. My doctor recommends talking to a urologist first. After we see what Rob's situation is in full light, then they'd go back to focusing on me & making me regular. If Rob's situation gets resolved, great! If not, then we would ... ugh, I roll my eyes at the terminology... look into artifical insemination. *sigh*. Words that I thought I'd never hear myself say outside of someone elses' problems. Then if that doesn't work, in-vetro. All of this - is $$$$$$$! (Did I type enough $ symbols to get the point across?)

OK, so back to stages 1-4 before we get into THAT discussion. There are always solutions to problems - its just another roadblock is all. I guess what I am trying to figure out is whether or not that roadblock is there for a reason. And what do I do with this roadblock. Let's create an analogy here to help explian my situation. Let's say I am driving to a cool town I have heard about and suddnely, there's a huge boulder in my pathway. Do I... sit in my car staring at, literally, a large boulder in the middle of the road waiting for it to move? Pathetic - anyone who knows me knows I would never sit in the car without trying SOMETHING. OK then, do I turn around and start over with another path going around the boulder? Yes - anyone who knows me knows I would do this... of course I would probably be ridiculous about it, too, and go w-a-a-a-a-y out of my way just to prove something. So, back to the story, now I am starting over on another pathway around the road I cannot pass - here's MY problem. I'm trying to get back on the path to that cool town... I'm trying to get passed that boulder and back on the main road - but while driving the detour.... what if I drive through a really cool place (town B)? What if, on my way to that first town (town A) - a town, which, I had never been to - I discover town B, a really great place. I never had a CLUE as to whether or not town A was going to be so wonderful, some people recommended it and some people said they had no interest in ever visiting it. I have no idea whether or not town A is cool - I am just taking people's words for it. So, back to my detour discovery, on my path around this bolder... and trying to reach town A... I find town B. This is a place that is really neat. So neat, I stop. I get out and look around. I shop a little, I discover a very hip diner, and I see very cute houses with beautiful gardens. *quick! Now hop back into my current reality!* I am actually HERE, right at this very moment. Come back to this blogger's current situation and leave the town visual behind for just a moment - this is where I am. So now what? Do I stay in town B a little longer? Do I stay in this place - indefinitely? Do I hop back in my car and get back on the road to see the original town, town A, I was trying to get to... knowing full well... I can NEVER go back to town B if I do reach town A? If I decide to stay, will it get old & tiresome and I'll be filled with regret that I never left or even tried to see the town A? Or maybe I am so batshit happy in town B, I'll never think about it at all and never be filled with wonder or regret.