Diarrhea of the Brain - day 6

Maybe I am frustrated/angry because I feel like I'm supposed to want to have kids. Maybe I've turned all of this into some sort of challenging game rather than seeing/doing what it is I really want. This would not be the first time I put my own personal interests aside and do what I think I'm supposed to be doing... rather than what I want to be doing. Why the hell am I like that? I seriously attribute that major flaw in my personality due to the pressure I had as an only child with rule-following parents. My dad had every insurance policy ever created, he filled out all those warranty cards, kept every receipt and paid everything on time. Somehow I have become equally automoton in my life. This feeling that, "Well, its Saturday and nice out - I should be doing yardwork today cause I own a house and that's what you are supposed to do when you own a house." What IS that? Yes, I sometimes do feel like doing things like yardwork cause I like to do yardwork, but, goddamn - I'll be vacuuming while running a fever simply to justify why I stayed home from work that day. What IS that? Maybe I'm so confused cause I'm married and have been married for 2.5 years... and married people want kids at this point. Maybe that's why I am so mixed up.

In other news - if one more fucking person calls me "ma'am", I WILL scream. I'm not even 30 yet. Say nothing at all - just say "hello".