Choose Your Own Adventure
Its been four days since we found out we can't have kids. I've been thinking about how I'd begin this blog... blunt seemed best.
Last weekend was great - very busy with my mom in town. Took a day off work, shopped, attended festivals & garden walks, relaxed, drank lots, talked tons... went to work very tired on Monday.
I was supposed to call the doctor regarding Rob's testing. I didn't. He called me after not hearing from me for 2 weeks (it doesn't take that long for them to get results). He called me on my cell phone at work Tuesday (yes, 6/6/06, but I find that worth mentioning only cause its's funny/coincidental. Like, you'd hate to hear out your ARE pregnant on that day only to be thinking you'll be birthing Damien someday). It doesn't matter, really, where our problems lie with having kids. I've had my share of problems (I tend to, ...er, not ovulate. Its great for those of you who hate having visits from Aunt Flo. When you don't ovulate - she doesn't come to town). Rob's had his, ...er, boys tested as a result of me wanting to know more about my situation. We've are both responsile (or not responsible) for our current barren state-of-being.
The last full minute of "O KY" by Archer Prewitt is fantastic.
The five stages of grief are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss. Sometimes I think I'm here in this stage. I flop between this and the next stage. I mean, I'm fucking pissed off - this is all so ridiculous. I'm the one who said we'd have kids someday when all our friends were on the fence, "Oh, I dunno. We haven't thought about it. Maybe." I'm the one who's been 'trying' for over a year and have become, at times, nutso about all of this. I think its crap that this huge decision (whether or not to even have kids) is somehow made for us. I asked the doctor if we'd be able to do this on our own (get pregnant). His response: "Most likely not."
I have been choked up when telling my girlfriends about all of this, but no tears yet. I'm like a rock when tragedy strikes. Its messed up, really. Sure, I can have a meltdown when a scratch appears on the floor... but big things, ...eh, *shrug*. Ok, I did cry once - sobbed really. I was freaking elated after shopping at Old Navy Wednesday night and "Just Dance" came on. (I've been a little manic the past few days - I decided to blow money on drinking, smoking, eating out, and shopping. Its a remedy, leave me alone). I had danced with my dad at our wedding to that song. I chose it because it had poignant meaning for me - I thought he needed to listen to the words when battling some depression issues a few years earlier. The timing was just perfect as I drove home.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even. Oh, I'm visiting this stage a LOT. Go back and reread #1.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals or attempting to make deals with God. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back. I told Rob 30 days. We are to talk about WHATEVER and WHENEVER we have a thought regarding all of this for the next 30 days. Terrible things like,"I can't believe these people have kids, or, are having kids. They are/will be no good at parenting". Mean, nasty thoughts that you'd actually never think about if not in this circumstance. Your brain goes wild in moments like this. Seriously, wild. You kind of fight society's restrictions when bad things happen. Society trains us to not have evil thoughts or deliquent behavior or to not pre-judge, etc, etc. But this past week - I have allowed my brain to roam completely free. I have to. I have to let all these thoughts flood my brain - not cause I actually believe a lot of what I'm thinking... but its a type of therapy. A self "free form thought" therapy. So, for those of you who have been wondering why I have been nastier than usual or if you are reading all this in horror - 'sorry' is all I can extend at this moment. But, I've got to let all this flow at the time being. I'm opening up the box of thoughts and pouring them all over the floor before I pass judgement on any particular idea & throw it away.
We haven't begun "bargaining," persay, and I want our 30 days to continue tograpple with the #1 and #2 stages of acceptance before we take on #3. But Rob's already begun throwing out suggestions and possibilites to our situation... and I keep throwing him back to #1 and #2. I'm not ready to solve anything yet. I mean - before we decide to go through all these stages - I have GOT to know what we are trying to work on accepting here. Do we even WANT kids and how badly are we willing to GET them? During this 30 day talk cycle, we may discover that... we are just fine with the way things are. And hell, maybe we bring this topic up again 2 years from now when/if my biological clock really starts ticking. I would think that with a topic like this - your feelings and thoughts change annually. They must... cause who the hell wants kids when they are 23? Not as many as when people who are 33...
Coffee break.
I just checked on my second load of laundry. When I get frustrated - some break things - I clean. I just vacuumed the fuck out of half the house. I actually used 5 attachments and moved things. I cleaned the kitchen trash can with a toothbrush, too. A fucking toothbrush, people.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal. I think I have twinges of this stage (no, I do not think I'll ever feel suicidal over this. That's more for people who experience death). I am definitely bitter. Oh yeah, I am bitter. And I am beginning to lose hopes for the future. I do not want to wake up on Christmas morning, 2023: "Merry Christmas, Rob" as I breathe morning breath on Rob, roll over and go back to sleep. Cause frankly, after 22 alone Christmas's together - what the hell would be the point of getting up to celebrate?
I'm an only child. That means, when my parents die - I have nothing. I have no siblings, so I will never my an aunt to anyone on my side of the family. My parents will never be grandparents, I'll never be a grandparent, and when Rob dies... assuming I haven't drank myself to death, I will be ALONE. How depressing is all of this? Sure, I'll have friends - blah, blah. But, I just don't want to be my creepy 4th grade teather, Ms. Hoates, who died alone with no kids or family. That woman was mean, bitter, and creepy. I don't want to be 40 and my friends' 9-year-olds see me as that woman who never had kids and can't talk to them. Yes, yes - these are all the wrong reasons for having kids. But again, I have 30 days to let the thoughts spew.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Finding the good that can come out of the pain, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. I think I am definitely working toward this stage. I just need to figure out what I'm working on accepting first. Rob cannot get me pregnant. Period. Does that mean its futile? Over? Finished? No. We actually do need to talk to someone. My doctor recommends talking to a urologist first. After we see what Rob's situation is in full light, then they'd go back to focusing on me & making me regular. If Rob's situation gets resolved, great! If not, then we would ... ugh, I roll my eyes at the terminology... look into artifical insemination. *sigh*. Words that I thought I'd never hear myself say outside of someone elses' problems. Then if that doesn't work, in-vetro. All of this - is $$$$$$$! (Did I type enough $ symbols to get the point across?)
OK, so back to stages 1-4 before we get into THAT discussion. There are always solutions to problems - its just another roadblock is all. I guess what I am trying to figure out is whether or not that roadblock is there for a reason. And what do I do with this roadblock. Let's create an analogy here to help explian my situation. Let's say I am driving to a cool town I have heard about and suddnely, there's a huge boulder in my pathway. Do I... sit in my car staring at, literally, a large boulder in the middle of the road waiting for it to move? Pathetic - anyone who knows me knows I would never sit in the car without trying SOMETHING. OK then, do I turn around and start over with another path going around the boulder? Yes - anyone who knows me knows I would do this... of course I would probably be ridiculous about it, too, and go w-a-a-a-a-y out of my way just to prove something. So, back to the story, now I am starting over on another pathway around the road I cannot pass - here's MY problem. I'm trying to get back on the path to that cool town... I'm trying to get passed that boulder and back on the main road - but while driving the detour.... what if I drive through a really cool place (town B)? What if, on my way to that first town (town A) - a town, which, I had never been to - I discover town B, a really great place. I never had a CLUE as to whether or not town A was going to be so wonderful, some people recommended it and some people said they had no interest in ever visiting it. I have no idea whether or not town A is cool - I am just taking people's words for it. So, back to my detour discovery, on my path around this bolder... and trying to reach town A... I find town B. This is a place that is really neat. So neat, I stop. I get out and look around. I shop a little, I discover a very hip diner, and I see very cute houses with beautiful gardens. *quick! Now hop back into my current reality!* I am actually HERE, right at this very moment. Come back to this blogger's current situation and leave the town visual behind for just a moment - this is where I am. So now what? Do I stay in town B a little longer? Do I stay in this place - indefinitely? Do I hop back in my car and get back on the road to see the original town, town A, I was trying to get to... knowing full well... I can NEVER go back to town B if I do reach town A? If I decide to stay, will it get old & tiresome and I'll be filled with regret that I never left or even tried to see the town A? Or maybe I am so batshit happy in town B, I'll never think about it at all and never be filled with wonder or regret.
Last weekend was great - very busy with my mom in town. Took a day off work, shopped, attended festivals & garden walks, relaxed, drank lots, talked tons... went to work very tired on Monday.
I was supposed to call the doctor regarding Rob's testing. I didn't. He called me after not hearing from me for 2 weeks (it doesn't take that long for them to get results). He called me on my cell phone at work Tuesday (yes, 6/6/06, but I find that worth mentioning only cause its's funny/coincidental. Like, you'd hate to hear out your ARE pregnant on that day only to be thinking you'll be birthing Damien someday). It doesn't matter, really, where our problems lie with having kids. I've had my share of problems (I tend to, ...er, not ovulate. Its great for those of you who hate having visits from Aunt Flo. When you don't ovulate - she doesn't come to town). Rob's had his, ...er, boys tested as a result of me wanting to know more about my situation. We've are both responsile (or not responsible) for our current barren state-of-being.
The last full minute of "O KY" by Archer Prewitt is fantastic.
The five stages of grief are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss. Sometimes I think I'm here in this stage. I flop between this and the next stage. I mean, I'm fucking pissed off - this is all so ridiculous. I'm the one who said we'd have kids someday when all our friends were on the fence, "Oh, I dunno. We haven't thought about it. Maybe." I'm the one who's been 'trying' for over a year and have become, at times, nutso about all of this. I think its crap that this huge decision (whether or not to even have kids) is somehow made for us. I asked the doctor if we'd be able to do this on our own (get pregnant). His response: "Most likely not."
I have been choked up when telling my girlfriends about all of this, but no tears yet. I'm like a rock when tragedy strikes. Its messed up, really. Sure, I can have a meltdown when a scratch appears on the floor... but big things, ...eh, *shrug*. Ok, I did cry once - sobbed really. I was freaking elated after shopping at Old Navy Wednesday night and "Just Dance" came on. (I've been a little manic the past few days - I decided to blow money on drinking, smoking, eating out, and shopping. Its a remedy, leave me alone). I had danced with my dad at our wedding to that song. I chose it because it had poignant meaning for me - I thought he needed to listen to the words when battling some depression issues a few years earlier. The timing was just perfect as I drove home.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even. Oh, I'm visiting this stage a LOT. Go back and reread #1.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals or attempting to make deals with God. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back. I told Rob 30 days. We are to talk about WHATEVER and WHENEVER we have a thought regarding all of this for the next 30 days. Terrible things like,"I can't believe these people have kids, or, are having kids. They are/will be no good at parenting". Mean, nasty thoughts that you'd actually never think about if not in this circumstance. Your brain goes wild in moments like this. Seriously, wild. You kind of fight society's restrictions when bad things happen. Society trains us to not have evil thoughts or deliquent behavior or to not pre-judge, etc, etc. But this past week - I have allowed my brain to roam completely free. I have to. I have to let all these thoughts flood my brain - not cause I actually believe a lot of what I'm thinking... but its a type of therapy. A self "free form thought" therapy. So, for those of you who have been wondering why I have been nastier than usual or if you are reading all this in horror - 'sorry' is all I can extend at this moment. But, I've got to let all this flow at the time being. I'm opening up the box of thoughts and pouring them all over the floor before I pass judgement on any particular idea & throw it away.
We haven't begun "bargaining," persay, and I want our 30 days to continue tograpple with the #1 and #2 stages of acceptance before we take on #3. But Rob's already begun throwing out suggestions and possibilites to our situation... and I keep throwing him back to #1 and #2. I'm not ready to solve anything yet. I mean - before we decide to go through all these stages - I have GOT to know what we are trying to work on accepting here. Do we even WANT kids and how badly are we willing to GET them? During this 30 day talk cycle, we may discover that... we are just fine with the way things are. And hell, maybe we bring this topic up again 2 years from now when/if my biological clock really starts ticking. I would think that with a topic like this - your feelings and thoughts change annually. They must... cause who the hell wants kids when they are 23? Not as many as when people who are 33...
Coffee break.
I just checked on my second load of laundry. When I get frustrated - some break things - I clean. I just vacuumed the fuck out of half the house. I actually used 5 attachments and moved things. I cleaned the kitchen trash can with a toothbrush, too. A fucking toothbrush, people.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal. I think I have twinges of this stage (no, I do not think I'll ever feel suicidal over this. That's more for people who experience death). I am definitely bitter. Oh yeah, I am bitter. And I am beginning to lose hopes for the future. I do not want to wake up on Christmas morning, 2023: "Merry Christmas, Rob" as I breathe morning breath on Rob, roll over and go back to sleep. Cause frankly, after 22 alone Christmas's together - what the hell would be the point of getting up to celebrate?
I'm an only child. That means, when my parents die - I have nothing. I have no siblings, so I will never my an aunt to anyone on my side of the family. My parents will never be grandparents, I'll never be a grandparent, and when Rob dies... assuming I haven't drank myself to death, I will be ALONE. How depressing is all of this? Sure, I'll have friends - blah, blah. But, I just don't want to be my creepy 4th grade teather, Ms. Hoates, who died alone with no kids or family. That woman was mean, bitter, and creepy. I don't want to be 40 and my friends' 9-year-olds see me as that woman who never had kids and can't talk to them. Yes, yes - these are all the wrong reasons for having kids. But again, I have 30 days to let the thoughts spew.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Finding the good that can come out of the pain, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. I think I am definitely working toward this stage. I just need to figure out what I'm working on accepting first. Rob cannot get me pregnant. Period. Does that mean its futile? Over? Finished? No. We actually do need to talk to someone. My doctor recommends talking to a urologist first. After we see what Rob's situation is in full light, then they'd go back to focusing on me & making me regular. If Rob's situation gets resolved, great! If not, then we would ... ugh, I roll my eyes at the terminology... look into artifical insemination. *sigh*. Words that I thought I'd never hear myself say outside of someone elses' problems. Then if that doesn't work, in-vetro. All of this - is $$$$$$$! (Did I type enough $ symbols to get the point across?)
OK, so back to stages 1-4 before we get into THAT discussion. There are always solutions to problems - its just another roadblock is all. I guess what I am trying to figure out is whether or not that roadblock is there for a reason. And what do I do with this roadblock. Let's create an analogy here to help explian my situation. Let's say I am driving to a cool town I have heard about and suddnely, there's a huge boulder in my pathway. Do I... sit in my car staring at, literally, a large boulder in the middle of the road waiting for it to move? Pathetic - anyone who knows me knows I would never sit in the car without trying SOMETHING. OK then, do I turn around and start over with another path going around the boulder? Yes - anyone who knows me knows I would do this... of course I would probably be ridiculous about it, too, and go w-a-a-a-a-y out of my way just to prove something. So, back to the story, now I am starting over on another pathway around the road I cannot pass - here's MY problem. I'm trying to get back on the path to that cool town... I'm trying to get passed that boulder and back on the main road - but while driving the detour.... what if I drive through a really cool place (town B)? What if, on my way to that first town (town A) - a town, which, I had never been to - I discover town B, a really great place. I never had a CLUE as to whether or not town A was going to be so wonderful, some people recommended it and some people said they had no interest in ever visiting it. I have no idea whether or not town A is cool - I am just taking people's words for it. So, back to my detour discovery, on my path around this bolder... and trying to reach town A... I find town B. This is a place that is really neat. So neat, I stop. I get out and look around. I shop a little, I discover a very hip diner, and I see very cute houses with beautiful gardens. *quick! Now hop back into my current reality!* I am actually HERE, right at this very moment. Come back to this blogger's current situation and leave the town visual behind for just a moment - this is where I am. So now what? Do I stay in town B a little longer? Do I stay in this place - indefinitely? Do I hop back in my car and get back on the road to see the original town, town A, I was trying to get to... knowing full well... I can NEVER go back to town B if I do reach town A? If I decide to stay, will it get old & tiresome and I'll be filled with regret that I never left or even tried to see the town A? Or maybe I am so batshit happy in town B, I'll never think about it at all and never be filled with wonder or regret.
posted by Brooke Ullman at 12:43 PM
1 Comments:
Good luck.
Post a Comment
<< Home