What Sarah Said - Death Cab
I seem to absolutely love songs about death. It actually goes back to that song by the Mechanics... the song about his dad dying. And there's the song Bono did for his father. *sigh*, am I sick or are these ballads usually just great tunes? I hope the latter.
Its been 20 days. Shit. Really?
I've been sick. Caught a cold. Its like a machine getting rust... when I don't perform my non-stop daily functions I simply go mad. I'm here (on this earth) purely for the sake of constant motion. What else is there? If I am not talking, moving, cleaning, organizing or fixing - I go wild. And not in a good sense either. I just cannot sit still. I feel like I'm getting bed sores if I lay in bed watching show after show... after show... after... SOMEBODY KILL ME! Rob tells me I need to learn how to relax. He's right, really. I did the mistake of oversharing and telling him more details of how my brain works. He looked at me not like one would look at a lame injured animal struggling to free itself from the confines of something (pity) - no - it was worse. He looked at me like the frantic idiot I truly am. Like someone who is irrational and makes no sense but is fully capable of handling the look from a man that says "you're nuts". I am. Really I am. Where's my medication... I need to start taking that again, I think. I think too damned much is the problem.
I told Rob that I need to complete 5 tasks a day to make the day worthwhile. Its a compulsive thing I guess. I've never actually SAID any of this aloud and it sounds nuts to me now just writing it. I'm almost as batty as those people who need to turn the light switch on & off ten times before leaving the room. I must do at LEAST 5 things a day or the day is worthless... I am worthless. Its actually become even more intense the older I have gotten. Maybe its just that I am sick of this behavior and ultimately stressed out because of it. When you are young and crazy - you at least have lots of energy, a short attention span and lots of distractions to keep you from really "seeing" how crazy you are. The older you get - when people start comparing notes regarding their sanity - you realize, "I'm a fucking quack!".
Need to do 5 things a day. Wanna know what that means? That means, laundry or clean the toilet or pay the bills or dust or vacuum (and it does not generally mean one room - it means everything), scrape paint off a radiator till my arm aches, weed the sidewalk AND cut the overlaying grass with scissors cause we don't own an edger, take out the trash and clean up all the dog poop which tends to lead to weeding or cutting back bushes, and if I am laying in bed sick - cutting out recipe pages from old SIMPLE magazines and reorganizing my recipe cookbook to hold all these new pages. I actually never DO just 5 things, its hundreds all piled atop of one another. A connected string of events one leading to the next and only counted as one. And nothing can be half-assed. Doing the laundy means doing ALL the laundry and any shred of it remaining in the house - I start striping beds and shit. I grab floor rugs and dog towels. I'm just shy of having Rob strip and change so I can wash what he's wearing.
And it all start over the next day....
Its been 20 days. Shit. Really?
I've been sick. Caught a cold. Its like a machine getting rust... when I don't perform my non-stop daily functions I simply go mad. I'm here (on this earth) purely for the sake of constant motion. What else is there? If I am not talking, moving, cleaning, organizing or fixing - I go wild. And not in a good sense either. I just cannot sit still. I feel like I'm getting bed sores if I lay in bed watching show after show... after show... after... SOMEBODY KILL ME! Rob tells me I need to learn how to relax. He's right, really. I did the mistake of oversharing and telling him more details of how my brain works. He looked at me not like one would look at a lame injured animal struggling to free itself from the confines of something (pity) - no - it was worse. He looked at me like the frantic idiot I truly am. Like someone who is irrational and makes no sense but is fully capable of handling the look from a man that says "you're nuts". I am. Really I am. Where's my medication... I need to start taking that again, I think. I think too damned much is the problem.
I told Rob that I need to complete 5 tasks a day to make the day worthwhile. Its a compulsive thing I guess. I've never actually SAID any of this aloud and it sounds nuts to me now just writing it. I'm almost as batty as those people who need to turn the light switch on & off ten times before leaving the room. I must do at LEAST 5 things a day or the day is worthless... I am worthless. Its actually become even more intense the older I have gotten. Maybe its just that I am sick of this behavior and ultimately stressed out because of it. When you are young and crazy - you at least have lots of energy, a short attention span and lots of distractions to keep you from really "seeing" how crazy you are. The older you get - when people start comparing notes regarding their sanity - you realize, "I'm a fucking quack!".
Need to do 5 things a day. Wanna know what that means? That means, laundry or clean the toilet or pay the bills or dust or vacuum (and it does not generally mean one room - it means everything), scrape paint off a radiator till my arm aches, weed the sidewalk AND cut the overlaying grass with scissors cause we don't own an edger, take out the trash and clean up all the dog poop which tends to lead to weeding or cutting back bushes, and if I am laying in bed sick - cutting out recipe pages from old SIMPLE magazines and reorganizing my recipe cookbook to hold all these new pages. I actually never DO just 5 things, its hundreds all piled atop of one another. A connected string of events one leading to the next and only counted as one. And nothing can be half-assed. Doing the laundy means doing ALL the laundry and any shred of it remaining in the house - I start striping beds and shit. I grab floor rugs and dog towels. I'm just shy of having Rob strip and change so I can wash what he's wearing.
And it all start over the next day....
posted by Brooke Ullman at 11:28 AM
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